“Temper is a weapon that we hold by the blade.”
When we lose our temper, especially towards a loved one, we are hurting ourselves more than we are hurting the person we are angry at. Unfortunately, spouses and parents with bad tempers are among the major causes of relationships turning bad. Good relationships are founded in trust and deep communication, but are often marred when either of the partner begins to show signs of anger management problems. If you believe you have a problem with temper, though, know and understand that there is always hope for you and that there are steps you can take to manage your temper and turn a bad relationship around.
Evaluate Your Personal Beliefs
Right believing leads to right living. Most of the bad habits we have usually root from having a false mindset about something. For instance, if a man has a tendency to womanize, he probably grew up in a family where womanizing seems to be a good thing to do. Or, if someone has a short temper and has a tendency to hurt her kids, it’s possible that shew grew up in a household where it’s okay to shout at somebody and hurt them. The beliefs that mold you while growing up also have a huge effect on how you treat your own family. For instance, one of the reasons that most adults have a difficulty expressing their emotions is that perhaps religion or any other influential institution has taught them that they should be good girls or boys, or else they will be punished. If you are always shouting at your spouse or child, try evaluating your beliefs. Perhaps you see your god as an angry god who is ready to hit you with a stick the moment you fail. Perhaps you feel there have been injustices done to you when you were a child and you are now unconsciously doing the same thing to your kids.
Love and Forgive Yourself
You can never give what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, or if you do not believe that you are a lovable person, you will have a hard time loving your spouse and kids. Yes, you may actually love them, but you will constantly be under the control of your temper and will simply hurt them whether you intend it or not. The antidote is to love and forgive yourself. Love yourself by believing that you are someone who deserves love. Forgive yourself for the wrong things you have done in the past and realize that there is no one up there who keeps a record of your wrongs.
Love Your Partner or Your Kids on Purpose
Nothing will tenderize your heart better than by intentionally loving your partner and your kids. We often think that love should be spontaneous, but true love is one that acts. Loving your family members on purpose means finding ways to just love on them regardless of how you feel. It might mean taking your wife to a dinner date at least once a week. It might mean allotting three hours of your day each day to just bond with your son. It might also mean sending flowers to your wife when she’s at work, or sending notes to your kids telling them how proud you are of them and that you love them so much. These are very effective because more often than not, you only lose your temper easily when you forget that you actually love your partner or your kids and that all you need to calm down is to be reminded of your love and affection towards them.
Be Patient Towards Yourself
Finally, be patient towards yourself and understand that changing the way you think and feel about your loved ones can take time. This is especially true if you have been having temper issues for years. Don’t expect yourself to change overnight, and don’t have unreal expectations as well. The moment you decide to love on your family members intentionally, expect that things will become even more challenging. You may be set on the task, but there will be a constant battle, because it’s an established habit you are trying to break. Most importantly, don’t be frustrated and don’t lose hope if you find yourself losing your temper occasionally.
Nothing is more important in this world than our relationships. Let us strive to keep our connection with our partner, kids, and family members intact by learning how to manage our tempers.
The Ultimate Guide to Anger Management: How to Control Temper and Conquer Anger